Amelia Wesley Allen: Disappointment

Family Picture at Amelia's Big Show!*

I am seriously grieving the fact that Amelia will not leave the hospital with a Baclofen pump. I had really hoped that this pump would give her some relief from her everyday suffering, would make her happier and more comfortable. Thankfully, our ultimate hope is not in a pump, it is in Jesus, the Strong, Sure One.

1 Peter says: Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a LIVING HOPE through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who by God's power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In THIS you rejoice. We REJOICE in Christ, through our suffering, following in his suffering.

We have had our "share"of suffering, according to most people's standards. I do not pretend to know why we suffer, there are many layers to suffering. I do know is painful and has brought a lot of grief. Real grief, the kind that I can't ignore or fix or buy my way out of. I have to sit in my grief and in it cling to the One who sits at the right hand of God. The one who wept when his friend Lazarus died, who begged for God to allow a different way for our salvation than his own terrible death. The One who knew the pain of people misunderstanding him and rejecting him, going hungry, being beaten, and dying the worst death imaginable. He KNOWS my pain.

So how do I go on? How do I wake up in the morning, get dressed and live life? Besides lots of strong coffee, I know that this suffering is not the end of the story. Amelia's best days were not the first four months of her life, when all seemed "normal". Her best days are yet to come, not through the latest medical innovations but through Christ. Her best day will be when she is dancing with Jesus.

I also try to see things. This is something that will have to be explained in more depth later (or you can read the book One Thousand Gifts), but basically I try to have child like vision. To look at the details, like colors, textures, the way grass blows in the wind, the smile or frown on a face. It sounds hokey but really looking at things and seeing them as gifts from God has helped me to not just go through the motions of life but to really live and thrive in this broken world.

Enough of the mini-sermon...Right now Amelia is resting and recovering. She was pretty uncomfortable last night and didn't go to sleep till around 2ish (I was so tired I don't really remember). She is pretty groggy, probably from the pain medicine. The MRI is scheduled for 3:30 this afternoon.

All is grace-
Jen