Amelia Wesley Allen: July 2011

We're home! That is the good news. We're sitting in the sun room of our new house. Listening to Crystal Davy's new EP, Immigrants and Strangers (you should all download it, it's available on ITunes!). Amelia is resting on her purple princess beanbag, she's pretty tired but is comfortable. For all of us, it seems to take about four days to get over the gloomies after being in the hospital. I think it is being confined to a small room, just staring at each other, watching monitors, and waiting, and waiting, and waiting. Being together helps. The MRI did not show the best case scenario. We will see Dr. P in a few weeks and talk more about things. Probably we will try the surgery again in a year after Amelia has grown a bit more. We are weighing the options.

I realized today, after talking to Crystal, why I/m so upset. I am really disappointed with God. Why didn't he just give us a break, haven't we gone through enough? Haven't we suffered well? Haven't we been faithful? The answer is..no. Jesus is the only one who suffered well and who is faithful. We try, we try REALLY, REALLY hard. We put on a happy face and pull up our bootstraps and try. But we can't do it without Christ. We will always come up short.

I have felt this disappointment before, I am sure you have too. We do our best, doesn't God owe us? Don't we deserve that new house, job, grade, friendship, parking spot, healthy child, healthy self. However deep or trivial our desires, we all think God owes us. I have come to realize (but often forget) that God has already given us everything. Unfortunately, "everything" doesn't always look like what we want. What did he give us? In short, he gave us his Son. We will either spend a lifetime trying to figure out what that means or trying to ignore it and be angry and disappointed with God. If we choose the second one we will try to make our own way with money and things and friends and whatever else makes us feel good. I believe most people don't fall neatly in one or the other category but vacillate between the two as we try to survive in this world.

What I said yesterday about trusting that this disappointment and suffering is not the end of the story and that I am trying to "see" life differently are still true. Today just need to be honest about where I am and I need to sit in the disappointment for a few days, weeks, how ever long it takes. I recognize that all of this might be difficult for some of you to stomach or it might just be confusing. If that is true I welcome your thoughts and would love to talk.

All is grace-
Jen

Here are some pictures from the sun room. Enjoy!
It is a room, that like my life is a work in progress.
Some of it is beautiful and some really needs work.
Try to have the eyes to see the beauty!
(or come over and help get some of the work done:))